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:in love again He was ready to be TANYA KNEW SHE WAS being unreasonable, but could not help herself, and she had been doing it for so many years now it had simply become the norm. Had she trapped him, had she made him marry her and further tied him with a mortgage and three children all by the age of 27? What would his life have been like had she let him go, as she long suspected he had wanted? Pouring herself a mug of tea, Tanya settled down to remember and reflect on what had passed them by, wondering when the rot had set in and the end had begun to unravel. A damn long time ago she sighed, feeling slightly nauseous as the truth which she thought she had so expertly buried, slowly began to bubble upwards and present itself as a danger that she was now only too well aware of. Tanya walked outside onto the balcony of their beach fronted house, pausing briefly to take in the view before her of golden sand, blue sea and a rare greyness in the sky, reminding her very much of home and where their story began. She sat taking a mouthful of tea, but unable to swallow due to the lump in her throat caused her to choke and cough and gulp for air, with tea escaping in a messy spray. The mug in her hand fell to the 116 | www. h e rmagaz i n e . c o. n z wooden floor beneath her as she struggled to regain her composure. Moments later with her breathing under control and feeling more settled, Tanya looked at the spilt tea around her, taking her back some 20 years to the day when she remembered a similar experience, but one where she was not alone for he was there too. They were together in the lounge, he seemed distant and agitated and she knew what she feared was possibly about to happen. She could see it in his eyes. She knew it; she panicked and tried to think quickly. She handed him the mug of tea she had just made for him on his arrival home and taking a deep breath met him with a smile, suggesting they sit as she had some news for him. She had got the timing wrong, verbalising her secret as he took the mug to his mouth and the shock of a suspected pregnancy stuck in his throat, refusing to give his tea entry. He gasped and choked, tea spraying outwards and mug falling as he struggled to take on board what she was saying to him, his mind screaming no, no, no. He remained seated in silence, Tanya close to his side, smiling and taking his hand as they sat in an ocean of expanding tea. It was a huge d��j�� vu moment, looking down at her feet in tea and those feelings, the same feelings 20 years apart; she was losing him. He wanted to go. She felt his indifference, his disinterest, his distance, she had felt all this for 20 years, but still she didn���t want to let him go. She had kept him then with tales of pregnancy, she had trapped him, had lied and he sort of suspected that this had always been the case. Tanya had been quick to announce the news of her pregnancy to her family, at which point he realised it was a done deal as his soon to be in-laws welcomed him into the bosom of their family. Wedding plans hastily made and all in place by the time of the planned miscarriage. With friends and family caught up in the excitement, it seemed the perfectly natural thing to do to continue with the arrangements for a marriage to be made. She kicked off her tea drenched sandals and walking through the now cold tea headed down towards the sand for a rare walk along the beach. She felt the sadness of the situation, asking herself for the umpteenth time in her life why she had told such a lie and why she had trapped him. She wondered if she had ever really loved him, truly loved him. She had loved him enough to give him